Thursday, June 11, 2015

a gift of living, trusting, joyful {grace}


Have you ever thought that you've learned 
quite a bit about something
only to discover that you really don't know so much at all?

I thought I had learned a few things about grace.
Undeserved favor.
A gift.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found.
Was blind but now I see.
The kind you ask for, 
search for or at least put your heart or hands out for.

Last week, in the middle of the night 
I found myself sitting in an emergency room
 in great pain with many unanswered questions.
The diagnosis was undetermined.
The cause of the problem was a mystery.
The cat scan showed cause for very real concern.
My husband sat exhausted in the corner 
slumped over in a chair.
As I returned to the room from my second cat scan 
I could hear whispers "How serious is it, Doctor?"
Worry. Fear. Concern.

I felt cushioned, insulated from fears and worry.grace

As the team of medical staff looked over lab results 
and discussed my prognosis I sat quietly, peaceful. grace
I usually pray about things. Everything and often.
I am a mom. I am a wife. I am human and in this world
there are always things to talk to God about.
But I didn't even do that.  I just sat. Peaceful.grace
I thought "I'm ready.  I'm ready to go"
But I have children, children that aren't grown yet.
And my husband... he'd have to find a new wife. 
Ugh. So much hassle.  ;)
So a thought slipped into my mind with such ease 
like oxygen enters the lungs while in a deep sleep.
Effortlessly the thought came as I looked at my tired husband
"I don't have dying grace.  I have living grace."grace
At first it was a silent thought that entered quietly and gently
into the corridors of my mind.  
Then deciding that the thought deserved merit
I contemplated it a moment then gave it a soft megaphone.
"I don't have dying grace.  I have living grace."
And I repeated it again for three reasons.
I needed to hear what I just said.
I wanted my husband to hear again what I just said and
it carried the watermark of hope, wisdom, 
comfort and peace that surpassed mine.

 (sending a text to a group of men who pray)

Several years ago my mother's health declined.
It was a time filled with challenges of all kinds.
There were days and moments filled with hope and determination
and days sprinkled with questions, disappointments and grief.

One perfect spring afternoon, the kind you'd see on a cartoon or Sesame Street, brilliant blue with white puffy clouds
Mom took flight into eternity.
I got to be by her side when she departed her shell of a body 
and flew with a circle of birds upward.
I saw grace.
Grace to go.
Dying grace.
And also helped an aunt take Grandma a few years ago 
across a cold windy parking lot from her nursing home
 to a dr. appointment to check on her lungs.
They suspected pneumonia. 
As they tried to take her blood pressure on her frail little arm
the nurse could see that bone and skin alone 
couldn't give a proper reading.
So the nurse paused and removed the cuff and then listened to her lungs and heart.
She sweetly looked up at my aunt and then she was gone.
She told me weeks before that she wanted to go home.
She had grace to go.
As I sat in the ER another thought:
And an image of a little girl clinging to a huge iron anchor.
Trusting. Resting. Waiting. Clinging. Joyful.
Yes, joy.grace
My husband says it was the pain management but I know better.
I was so darn funny! I was cracking one liners all night/morning!
After seeing the second cat scan the doctor 
asked in a concerned tone
"Tell me, where is your greatest pain?"
Swiftly answering with mouth off to the side 
and one eyebrow raised I said quite matter of fact 
"In the black shirt, sitting over there in the corner." 

After deciding to admit me into the hospital 
but to transfer me to the main campus
an ambulance service was called for transport.
When they arrived I walked out of the ER 
and asked them if I could drive.

(post limo, pre arrival into 'med spa' suite)

When we arrived at the hospital and was being taken to my room
I was asked if I preferred
to be carried into the room or if I wanted to walk.
I said I could walk and as I got up to walk added
"Thanks for the limo ride guys!  
I'd tip ya but I left my purse at home!"
I called the hospital my med spa.

(room service, really?)

Room service?  They actually call it ROOM SERVICE!
Of course, I wasn't hungry but I had to eat something
so I could take my meds so I had a salmon fillet
and it was perfect.

Seriously, things have changed since I had my last baby!
A menu?  Spa-cation.
  No cooking or cleaning, no dog hair or dogs barking, ahhh...

At last all tucked in and ready to go to sleep at 5:40am.
Well, that's what I thought...
Wait.  I'm in a hospital.
Time to take your vitals.
Hi we're from lab and we've come to take a gallon of blood.
Time to take your vitals.
Hi, we're from lab and we've come for another gallon.
Time to take your vitals.
Hi.  I'm your surgeon...
Hi.  I'm your surgeon's resident...
Time for vitals...

I asked if there was anyway I could sleep just a bit
since I had no sleep Sunday night.
The nurse compassionately smiled and said I'll be right back.
When she returned she carried a little spa kit:
ear plugs and a room darkening mask and graciously stated 
"We will coordinate lab and vitals so you can rest this afternoon."

I have tests and more tests this week and next.
I will be found clinging to the Anchor
with gratefulness for His gifts of grace.

Trust really is the opposite of fear.
The image of the anchor and the little girl 
was a picture of where I was at in my thoughts.
Trust brings peace providing space for being at rest
and having true joy, freedom from carrying a load of worry, fear...
"Come to me all who are weary and carry heavy loads
and I will give you rest. 
Take my yoke..."
He has us covered.
He truly has our back.

Living grace.
Healing grace.
I didn't ask.
I didn't fight for it.
I didn't even pray.
It was just there, a gift.
I guess that's what grace is.

Light shines brightest in darkness.

Have a grace filled day!



  1. I've been having a hard walk lately with faith and trust and Grace. I haven't posted on my blog in over a month and then came back to her tonite. I was led here by Grace and thank you for sharing your walk. It is so hard at times to shut out all the 'noise' and listen to Him speak. I'm so glad I stopped by. p.s. I was recently in the hospital and was surprised to see room service there too, a chef and everything! You take care.

    1. Thank you for your kind words and your response. I hope things are well for you.

    2. Thank you for your kind words and your response. I hope things are well for you.


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